Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Our Boys in Heaven

For those that don't know, we had a miscarriage in September. I'm finally able to talk about it without tearing up. I wanted to share about our experience in hopes of helping other women who may be going through the same thing, to help everyone understand and be more compassionate to those that experience a miscarriage, and share our story.

We have always wanted children. I always said I wanted 10 (meaning alot), and Chad keeps reminding me of that. We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year. Without going into details, we were getting frustrated that we still were not pregnant. I had decided not to worry about it so much and I was going to talk to the doctor next time I went in and explore my options. As perfect as God's timing always is, we got pregnant!

On July 24th, 2010 I took a pregnancy test because I thought I might be pregnant. It was positive!! I couldn't believe it so I went to the store and got some more tests to take. I took 5 in all and they all showed positive right away. It was a Saturday morning and Chad was taking a test to get his teacher certification so I had to wait for him to get home to tell him. I always wanted to do something special to tell him, but I couldn't think of anything. So, I had him come into the bathroom when he got home and had all the tests laying out by his sink. He studied them for a while and then looked at me and I said, "What do you think?" Apparently I kept repeating that question over and over and grinning from ear to ear. Beginning that day I had morning sickness pretty much throughout the day. I never got sick, but felt sick to my stomach most of the time.

It was really hard not being able to tell anyone. We wanted to wait until our first doctor's appointment for confirmation before sharing our news. I was about 6 weeks along at the time.

August 9th, 2010 was our first appointment and the ultrasound tech confirmed that I was pregnant and that it was twins!! She told us right away that Baby B was not developing. He was smaller than Baby A and his heartbeat was lower. She told us that usually when she sees this, Baby B does not survive and is reabsorbed. We were worried, but knew that everything would be ok. After speaking with the doctor, she wanted to see us back in 2 weeks to check Baby B's progress.

We went back on August 24th and Baby B's heartbeat was still low, but it had increased. There was also fluid in the baby's spine area. We were told this could be Turner's syndrome, which is only found in girls. I was sure at that point that they were girls. The doctor recommended that we got to a specialist so they could begin monitoring us.

On Sept. 4th we drove to my mom's house in Georgia where we met Chad's parents, my mom, and step-dad, Roland, to tell them our news. They were all shocked and even more suprised to learn that we were having twins. It was such an exciting day and we were so happy to share it with them. That day and throughout the weekend we called and skyped with other family and friends to share our news. I was exhausted from smiling and talking, but I felt so blessed to be able to share what God was doing in our lives with those closest to us.

The next Wednesday, Sept. 8th, we had an appointment with a specialist. I was now 13 weeks along in the pregnancy. We were both hopeful for good results that day and thought we were just going so they could begin monitoring the babies. When we first went into the room the ultrasound tech did an initial ultrasound. We were told that their ultrasound machine would be able to show alot more than the machine at our doctor's office. Right away Chad knew that something was wrong because the tech was not zooming in close at all, in fact, we could not even see the babies. I was just assuming that the doctor would show us more when she came in. When the doctor came in she looked on the machine for a few minutes and then told us she had some really bad news. At that point I still believed that she might say that Baby B didn't make it, but she told us that neither baby had a heartbeat. Time stood still for a few seconds and then we both lost it. We were shocked and definitely not prepared for that news. The doctor left us in the room for a while to grieve and then came back to explain a few things to us. She said that most likely Baby B was showing a chromosomal abnormailty and if that was the case then Baby A also had the same chromosomal abnormality, but it was not showing yet. We went home after the appointment and it was nice to just be together. The next day I had a D&C and we both stayed home for the next few days to recover and grieve. My mom came to help take care of me/us. It always helps to have your mom there when you are hurting!

My doctor recommended chromosome testing on the babies just to see if we would possibly get some answers or know of some challenges we would have in the future. We went back to see her 6 weeks after my procedure and she already had the chromosome results back. We found out that there was no chromosomal abnormalities and they were BOYS!! I was shocked because I really thought they were girls. Even though we didn't get any answers, I felt really good about the information she was able to give us. Just like in our faith, we don't always get all the answers we want. I was just relieved to know there were no chromosomal abnormalities that caused the miscarriage.

Now I just smile everytime I think about the fact that our boys are up there in Heaven just waiting on us to come meet them one day. God has his arms wrapped tightly around them showing them how much they are loved. I can just see my Memaw trying to take them away so she can hold them as much as possible.

Even though it has been one of the hardest obstacles I have faced, I have learned so much through this process that I would not take it back for anything. God is continuously teaching me that He is in control of all things and His timing and ways are much better than mine. Last Sunday at church our pastor preached on Ephesians and showed us how God can do far more than we can imagine and He loves us far more than we can imagine. How appropriate that lesson was for me! Now if only I can remember that daily when things get tough.

Thanks for reading and thanks to all our family and friends who have been so supportive during this tough time in our lives. We love you all!


Suzanne said...

Thanks so much for sharing this. I know everyone grieves in their own way but I do think it is helpful to talk about these things. I know it helped when I went through mine. It is a hard thing to go through. I honestly think it is one of those things people don't truly understand unless you experience it. I think some people dismiss miscarriages but you become attached to the baby (or babies) the second you know they are inside you.

Anyway--I'm glad you and Chad are healing and that you were able to get some answers. I will always wonder if mine was a girl or boy.

And I loved your Christmas card with that verse from Romans. I seriously repeated that verse many times every day when we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and I would feel anxiety about the pregnancy. That verse was so important to me. Whenever we move, I want to put it up in his room somewhere because it is the verse I think of when I see him.

Love you!! Sorry I wrote a novel here. :)

Dana and Chris Sheheane said...

Tara, i am teary reading it. You put it in such beautiful words and I truly think you are one of the strongest women I know! I had no idea they were boys!! I am glad you got to find that out to make it a little more personal for you to think about. I love you tara and am so thankful God is working through you in this tough situation. YOu are a blessing to many!

KayeRodriguez said...

Beautifully written....very special to hear tender words from your heart. Hope Memaw saves some hugs from those boys for me. Our boys will never be forgotten. Love you, sweetie.

Ashley said...

Wow, Tara. You are an amazingly strong woman. Christie and I have talked about how much you are glorifying God through this whole siutation. I am really blown away by you. Thank you for sharing your story. I was really on my knees for you through this situation

Amber said...

What a heartfelt message. I love you two very much. I think that writing down this memory is part of the healing process. I can see how strong you have gotten and the love of God pours through your message. I pray for you often and know that God is powerful and his timing is always perfect!

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